Aunt Enid and the Thundersley
To: Marjorie Bathsheba Catheter Jodrell-Bentley
Subject: More News on Ms. Zimmer’s Property
It has been unkindly suggested that Ms. Zimmer has quite plainly had a number of issues over the years of our acquaintance, but one can only assume these are just sour grapes on the part of Miss Havelock, who I think it is only fair to say has one or two issues of her own.
Between ourselves, I always considered Miss Twigham’s peanut-sucking unsavoury – especially considering her anaphylaxis – and once tried to persuade her to adopt raisins as an alternative. Sadly she continued to suck the chocolate off, this time using the by-products as an excuse to “punish” the neighbours’ rabbit for sneaking into her home and defecating on her Persian.
She then continued in this vein until nearly all the rabbits in the street had been stewed. I was always a little surprised that no one questioned her claims until Ms. Zimmer’s grandchildren came to stay for a month, back in 1998. Even Miss Twigham had to concede that no rabbit would hop from 30 doors up just to pellet her favourite cat.
In the end we decided that suffering the smell of peanuts and the associated periods of hospitalisation were far preferable to front-page headlines regarding “bunnicide”.
And in her own uniquely perverse way Miss Twigham seemed more than happy to revert to her old habits.
Yours,
Sarah-Jane Chlamydia Rossington-Smythe.